Excerpt from the syndicated TV show, Lorelei's Love Seat. The Lorelei Show stars Lorelei (a.k.a. Evonne Eckberg ), a middle-aged former Super Villain. This talk show mainly centers on gossip with a focus on entertainment and Supers.

<Fade in from commercial break. Lots of women clapping. Lorelei takes to the stage. >

Lorelei: OK girls we're back, and I'd like to thank She-Yeti and the Abominable Snow Gal for their visit, but they had to leave.

Crowd: Awww.

L: I guess the discussion was getting a little too HOT for them.

C: <laughter> <cheers>

L: But now I'd like to give a big Lorelei welcome to our next guest, Top Cat.

C: < Crowd starts clapping. Clapping grows in intensity as Patricia McMasters a.k.a. Top Cat takes to the stage and bows, then takes a seat. >

L: Your new book "Life in the Catbird Seat: One Woman's Struggle for Freedom in a Man's World", is a national bestseller. Tell us what it's about, dear.

TC: Well It really about me and my struggle to break out of the sheltered life style I was born into, my breaking out of the poor little rich girl mold, and my debut on the Supers scene.

L: And what about your fight against animal cruelty. You seem very passionate about it. Where did it all begin?

TC: Well I guess it all started with my father, really. He was a big game hunter, and would shoot at anything. When I finally got out of the house I needed some form of identity and some way of escaping. So, I joined the A.R.F. (Animal Rights Foundation) I did a lot of good work raising the public's consciousness about animal cruelty and those responsible. But eventually that didn't seem like enough. I mean people have been fighting this battle for decades now and still millions of animals are victimized each year by male-dominated corporations and industries.

L: And we know about that. Right Girls?

C: <Cheers><Boos>

TC: So I joined up with a few other local supers I'd met at A.R.F. rallies, and we started a splinter group called The PRIDE, the world's first pro-animal rights super group. At first we were just a small tight knit group of dedicated people.

There was Cat-Fish, and his technical knowledge, powered cat armor and other gadgets allowed us to stay one step ahead of the cops. Cat-Fish is an adamant human and animal rights advocate

Cool-Cat, AKA Rosco Tilwilliger, was our angry mutant beatnik. He was born with those cat ears and later in his teen years discovered his frost powers and used them to rebel against the society that oppressed him. It's hard being a mutant, maybe harder today than it's ever been. But Ros loved animals, I guess they were the only ones that didn't judge him based on his ears.

BobCat was the soul of the group. He was always the voice of reason for the group. Always kept us from going over the edge...

L: Excuse me, "kept us from going over the edge"? Really now, wouldn't you call a brawl with the West Coast's greatest super hero team "going over the edge"?

TC: Well, Bob had it pretty rough that week. He'd heard the day before that his uncle had died over a month ago. Bob and his father didn't get along too well. So he wasn't told about the funeral, I guess he was really looking for a fight that day.

L: Such a tragedy.

TC: Yes, but I talked to him last week. Now that heÕs on probation he's doing a lot better.

L: So tell me about the rest of your group.

TC: Well there is Wild Cat. A typical Male, he was for the cause, but I think he was just trying to pick up women. Still, with his energy absorbing powers he was easily the most powerful person in the group. He was our muscle.

L: Sometimes, Honey thatís all they're good for!

C: <Laughter> <cheers>

TC: And of course there was me, Top Cat, using my mental talents to act as tactical coordinator and spiritual guide for the group.

L: So what were some of this things you did?

TC: Well, the first year we were pretty low key. We attended some animal rights rallies did a few logging protests up in Washington, that kind of thing.

L: What bout the alleged fur coat highjack where all the coats here dyed with red ink? Or the break-in at the UCLA animal mutations study department where all the test animals were freed and eventually found their way into the SPCA's back yard? Or the...

TC: Well, the keyword here is alleged, isn't it! I must say I don't recall any of those events. But I applaud the good taste of who ever did those acts. But really, Lorelei, you should know how much weight an alleged crime holds, right?

L: True, honey, true. Lorelei knows all about alleged crimes. Like that time I "allegedly" used my emotion control powers to make the Captains of Industry fight over me. Really, I didn't do a thing, those 5 super hunks just had to have me!

<still frame of the super-team, the Captains of Industry: Steelworker, Widget the all Purpose Wonder, 4-Man the Inhuman Workforce, L.A.B.O.R the Living Factory and the Entrepreneur, all fighting one another while Lorelei sits back covering her mouth with one hand as she laughs>

L: I just love that picture!

TC: Well don't they just look special. Anyway everything was pretty low key until El Gato and La Gata joined, along with Kitty Hawk, Hellcat. At that point things really took a turn for the worse.

L: Tell us about it dear.

TC: Well I should have been more suspicious of the things that happed. First El Gato and La Gata showed up at our doorstep. El Gato had been kicked out of the WSWF (World Super Wrestling Federation) for unnecessary roughness. He's always been an outspoken proponent of animal rights. With his super human strength he was a great addition. Unfortunately he brought along his girlfriend, who thought it would be fun to play dress up. Still we couldn't complain. El Gato was much more visible to the public eye then we had ever been. Plus he was a gentleman and he can COOK!

L: Sounds like quite a catch. La Gata is a very lucky girl.

TC: Well, she's not that lucky. All she got out of the experience was 27 stitches and 4 broken bones.

L: Oh my! How did that happen.

TC: One word. Talos. But I'll get to that.

C: <a moment of silence as none of the women look pleased> <Lorelei looks serious a moment as she looks at the camera>.

TC: Anyway, Kittyhawk also joined. None of us are sure to this day why she did it. She said that she wanted to use her flying cyber-suit to help animal kind. I guess she was being mind-controlled at the time. At least that's what her defense attorney is saying. Still Kenny, er, I mean Catfish seemed to like her. One of those powered armor things I guess.

But the strangest one was Hellcat. I don't know what I was thinking the day we took him along. We just ran into him on the way back from one of our first missions that week. He seemed perfect at the time, but when things finally went bad at the CATS protest, he went crazy!

L: Protest? At the time the press was calling it attempted robbery!

TC: All a misunderstanding! Really!! Don't give me that look!

<Lorelei is trying to keep a straight face>

L: Bank's Gold Exchange?

TC: We went in there to paint the walls red to represent the animal blood that had been spilled by their heavy investment in Mary Kay Cosmetics Animal Testing Labs!

L: The SF Natural History Museum?

TC: We didn't even know that stupid pirate exhibition was there! We were going to move all the murdered and stuffed animals out to the parking lot as a protest to the unnatural exhibition and objectification of our animal friends!

L: The CATS 20th anniversary Gala?

TC: We went in there to get on TV so as to expose directory Leo DeMallaiso's sick obsession with animal fur. Do you know that for almost 2 decades CATS was performed using artificial animal fur! But that [beep] wanted "realism". Look I love CATS as much as the next person, but using animal fur was immoral and wrong!

L: Whew, simmer down honey. I love a woman who is passionate about her work, but we're all friends here! So things finally went bad at CATS.

TC: Yes. It seems that someone else had robbed both the SF Natural History Museum and Bank's Gold Exchange right after we had been there! So the Guardians naturally assume we were the thieves!

L: Oh dear... I know all about mistaken impressions.

TC: Don't I know it. I was playing mental switchboard from the parking lot so I got to see action inside also. I first knew something strange was going on when Hellcat kicked an undercover cop. He had a thing about authority figures and I guess seeing the gun spooked him. Before we knew what was going on the Guardians were there and a brawl was on! ! That wasn't part of the plan! No one was supposed to get hurt!

Hellcat only got worse when he say Phoenix showed up. He went crazy when he saw the fire. Screaming something about "The Problem" and that Phoenix was part of it!

Before we could even start to do things to stop the fight, this giant gold statue shows up. It looked like an Oscar statue on a rampage. I had no idea it was Talos, after all it was a disguise wasnÕt it? All I knew was that it was some giant super that was charging straight at us! So we moved fast to put him down without hurting him. I used my mental talents while KittyHawk fired her non-lethal Microwave beams.

L: Sound terrifying!

TC: Oh that's not the worst of it! Inside things were going crazy! Moonsword, Starman and Phoenix were slugging it out with El Gato, Wildcat, Hellcat, Bobcat and Cool Cat. Shamrock was trying to get away from Wildcat, who was trying harder to get a date than put up a fight. I guess when you're invulnerable and all you tend not to take things like that seriously.

<Fade to a few video clips of the fight on stage. >

Outside things were pretty quiet at that moment. Cyclone made a brief appearance, then disappeared off somewhere. Talos, aka the Gold Golem, was face down in the asphalt. But soon everyone inside started coming to their senses or lapsing into unconsciousness, so they all started running to the truck.

L: Oh yes, the truck, rather large wasn't it? What were you planning in carrying off in that, hm?

TC: Well, in hindsight I guess it did look bad. Normally we got around in Catfish's vehicle the Sewer Cat er, I mean the Silver Fish. But the 18-wheeler was the only thing we could get on short notice that would hold all of us plus Catfish's special TV equipment.

We borrowed it from Bob Stevens at Big Bear Movers. Bob's been a supporter for years! In fact if next time any of you ladies are moving, call Big Bear Movers at 800-555-BEAR. It the burly bear with the velvet touch. Thanks Bob!

L: Uh-huh.

TC: So, our plan was to hijack the Gala Broadcast to get our message out, not steal some silly gold statue! Also we had about 50,000 flyers we were going to distribute. I'm still not sure what happened to those...

Well as everyone ran out the Guardians did their best to pursue. Cool-Cat walked away as usual by going invisible. Bobcat tried to split up from the group, hoping to draw off some of the heat. He didn't get away, Starman eventually caught him. Meanwhile poor KittyHawk had decided to help the other's get away, but Phoenix got the drop on her and she was out. Hellcat decided to get back in the fray and was brutally stabbed by Moonsword.

L: Oh my.

TC: Yes it was terrible. I felt such pain from him that I thought he was dead. Even worse, Talos had decided to wake up and proceeded to use our getaway truck to try to thrash us. All of us but poor La Gata were able to jump to safety. She was luck to get out of that one alive.

L: Mm Hm.

TC: So with the truck smashed so we took Cat Fish's Silver Fish, yeah disgusting but fast, CF called it to him with his special radio transmitter and it parked right below the sewer main. He drove it on a weaving get away pattern and then parked it beneath the streets near Cat's Lair.

L: Cat's Lair?

TC: Yeah it's a house that belongs to my best friend from college, Catherine. I canÕt give out her last name of course.

So we camed down and had a good nightÕs sleep. In the morning, Cat Fish, was still pretty shaken up by the whole thing. We argued and he quit the group, storming out. <Top Cat looks straight into the camera> I hope you can forgive me Kenny, I wasn't my self the day I said those things.

Everything was starting to get back to normal when a knock at our door came, Cat called me down saying it was for me and to my surprise Phoenix was standing at the door! Well, as you know I have power over the minds of men.

L: Don't we all. Right Girls? C: <Cheers>

TC: So when I saw Phoenix standing at my door with a bunch of flowers I couldn't help but "ask" him in.

L: So you took control of his mind.

TC: Well thatÕs debatable isn't it? Sure I might have nudged his mind a little. But the funny thing about Psychic Powers, they really depend on the willingness of the subject.

L: And did Phoenix put up a fight, honey?

TC: He folded like a house of cards!

C: <Cheers><laughter>

TC: Of course we were on the run and all. Trying to clear our names from the frame job that midget pulled on us. So I had to frisk him. After all, he might have been wearing a wire or have a concealed weapon.

L: Did you find a concealed weapon dear?

TC: Well <smiling> nothing lethal if that's what you mean!

C: <Cheers> <laugher>

L: So after that what happened?

TC: Well another fight broke out! Phoenix's teammates, the Guardians, came bursting in. Talos smashed the front door. Moonsword rushed in and pointed that nasty sword of her's at me. I wasn't going to move a muscle with that thing waving around. Still, I canÕt complain. First Thing Talos did when he got in the door was grab a heavy oak book case and throw it El Gato (who could take it) and Poor La Gata! We'd just gotten her out of the emergency room that afternoon. And here he was trying to kill her again. Sure, she was wearing a costume, but I'd hate to see this guy around Halloween!

Anyway things just got weirder from there. El Gato and Talos were slugging it out. Fortunately Starman and Cyclone were no where to be seen. An a midget dressed in a green costume came storming out of our garage!

L: The Leprechaun?

TC: Well, you said it. I couldn't believe it! The little guy started ranting and raving about us being "good for nuthin lackeys, Ol' Darby O'Blackheart will show you how its dun!" I was about to protest when the water main blew knocking me out.

L: Wow! Well I hate to interrupt, but there will be more right after this!

<Commercial: Psychik Friends network spot. Lorelei is on this also. >

<Commercial: Super Dayanetix. How can a normal man function in a paranormal world? The answer is on page 2112! >

<Commercial: Turbo chow. Give your puppy the power to leap over tall buildings in a single bound.>

L: And we're back. To finish up our story, I'd like everyone to give a warm Lorilei welcome to former policewoman Danielle Cooper.

C: <Danielle Cooper walks in as the crowd claps and cheers>

L: Danielle, you were the first person to arrive on the scene during the final showdown between the Guardians and Darby O'Blackheart. What was going on?

Daneille: Well we had been called in on a 415 with a possible 14-02, "Disturbing the Peace with Paranormal Combat" in progress. We'd been on a few 11-02's before. First thing you learn is that fools rush in. We took up defensive positions just in time to see bodies flying out through the wall.

L: Bodies?

DC: Not too uncommon on a 11-02. Those superfolks tend to get knocked around a lot. We were ready to move out of the way when we caught sight of 2 suspects exiting the scene while not under their own power.

L: Huh?

DC: Wild Cat, El Gato and a moment later Pheonix came flying out through the street-side wall of the house. Phoenix was saved by Cyclone who appeared just in time. He does that a lot. We moved in to secure the suspects. Supers tend to get up from even the nastiest falls, so you have to move fast.

While securing the suspects it became apparent that the combat had moved into the garage. Approaching under cover to the back porch we say the Guardians involved in a bizarre combat with the Little Man in Green a.k.a. Darby O'Blackheart. At first the fight looked like a comedy of errors. They would attempt to close in on the little guy to subdue him and get stopped by something fantastically improbable. Moonsword ended up slipping and bashing into an end table at full speed. It quickly became obvious that they were dealing with a 14-89. You look that one up in the books, and it doesn't sound that bad, "Being with Abilities of Indescribable Nature". But you learn that those are the worst kind. Mutants you can deal with, aliens, no problem. But when some weirdo shows up that might be able to turn you into a frog! Well, we took up defensive positions we waited for back up to show.

Things went bad to worse when we saw Phoenix go down. I mean we thought he was invulnerable. You don't forget a thing like that. Still the Guardians kept pressing the little guy. While they couldn't seem to connect no matter what they did, they did seem to wear him out with all the teleporting he was doing. Hard pressed he finally teleported outside. My partner and I started to take aim on the fellow and found our guns had jammed. Damn, I hate a 14-89. You just can't predict what theyÕre gonna do.

Just then a house cat jumped him. We were shocked. This cat tackled this guy that the fastest man alive couldn't even touch! The cat started digging into him when a thunderclap and sudden downpour hit. We blinked and he was gone with a rainbow shimmering in the sport he had been. Damndest thing I'd ever seen.

Clean up went pretty easy after that. The Pride didn't put up any fight. Course most of them were still unconscious... Wildcat was up and about, but between his attempts to ask me for a date, cooperated. Good thing, I get the feeling he could have busted his cuffs if he wanted to.

Too bad the real perp got away.

L: Oh dear, we have to cut to another commercial.

<Another Psychik Friends spot>

<Commercial for "Sightings: The UFO conspiracy. Is Seeker part of the cover up? Sightings goes to Big City!">

L: And we're back. Thank you everybody for dropping on by Lorelei's Love Seat. Join us tomorrow when our guests will be the controversial church-going heroes, Missionary and Altar Boy. Also we'll have the immortal Dick Clark and the singing sensation Boys to Super-Men. Plus, our special guest will be the Guardian's own Shamrock. How lucky can one girl get when surrounded by supermen?

<Photo shot of Shamrock and Phoenix walking down a red carpet entering the CATS 20th anniversary Gala. Strangely Shamrock's face is partially blurred by a flash bulb, but Phoenix is very visible, smiling and waving. Fade back to Lorelei's smiling face.>

L: Is there something between Shamrock and Phoenix? Does Icestar know about it? Find out tomorrow!

DF: Wait I didn't get a chance to plug my book! It's called "Mean Streets: One Woman's battle...

<Credits start rolling as the audience claps load enough to drown out Mrs. Cooper>

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